The first week I was hospitalized and extensively coherent all the time, the Love of my life daily asked me what it is he could do for me. I always implied it would be helpful if he gave me my shoes so we could return home. I didn’t want to be in a place that is pretty much imprisonment for the physically impaired. I wanted to sing “Una Paloma Blanca” and be free as a bird.
When I returned home, I felt more imprisoned than I did at the hospital. Sure, I was with my family and my Love; however, I felt like I was given 613 new commandments to perform along with included restrictions without any warning or acceptance from others if the commandments were not followed. I asked my husband so many ideas to push the envelope: climb a ladder, ride a bicycle, work again, lift things weighing more than a newborn infant, etc. I didn’t have to cook, clean, answer the phone for business and more. It was as if my life was stolen by every family member living with more responsibility that was previously mine.
I never stopped pushing the envelope and within this entire process have sought to find ways to challenge myself while not draining myself physically or in any other manner. I crave performing things that provide challenge so that I can promote myself in ways either that were demoted or never even considered to be part of who I am or what I do.
I have become so frustrated hearing the list of ideas of what was too much and how I need to monitor all aspects of my life and energy levels… back to “Una Paloma Blanca, I’m just a bird in the sky. Una Palamo Blanca, over the mountains I fly. No one can take my freedom away.” I find freedom any way I can… not to be sadistic but desiring and yearning for life. Existence is not life to me. LIVING 110% is LIVING TO ME! How I search for this to be pinnacled and epitomized in my life to the point beyond comprehension but absorbed and felt in every fiber of my being.