“Protection Mode”

For all but maybe two years of my life until the age of 38, there was at least some sort of abuse to which I experienced.

I am not one to banter about the past without there being a solution to a problem/ / fault about myself that I have learned. In other words, this is not a “Woe is me,” hand-wringing post.

Again, I survived and experienced abuse of every sort over the first 38 years of my life except the 2 years I was single.

This bred something underneath my awareness.

My mother did not like me writing, so I would hide my papers that I wrote in various places in my closet: in pockets of my clothing, etc. This was because I wanted to not be so robbed of me totally losing a facet of my life that was both therapeutic and exercising my individuality.

My first husband through matrimony was physically abusive, so I hid my keys and cell phone in similar ways. The whole purpose was to have a way to leave if things were that bad based on my assessment.

Then, I left him. Abuse ended with him. My parents were mostly out of my life, so that was less likely as well, not to mention, Dan (my true husband, both through matrimony and through our hearts) knows and knew and guarded against anything happening to me or my children.

After I left my first husband and later connected with Dan, I WOULD STILL hide my keys ad phone! I was STILL SCARED even though my environment was immensely altered. I slowly shifted when my trust grew, and I realized everything was okay.

THEN, I fell twenty feet and obtained a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). On a side note, I loathe mentioning this as I do not want to have it sound like AN EXCUSE. THE THING IS THE BRAIN CHANGES after such an event. FURTHERMORE, it often relapses with memories, emotions, etc. I will say I did not lose my memory of the present; however, my emotions relapsed.

What does this mean? Well let’s go back in time, BEFORE my fall, I did try to protect Dan, the love of my life of… disappointments, etc. I did not share all information with him that I had come to know or of what I was in control.

Was this maniacal, and was I attempting to be deceitful? No, believe it or not. You see, I love this man far beyond what I ever felt for my first husband (note to those who do not know me: I did not say I loved my first husband). Finding Dan has been the best part of my life, and I value finding him and his love for me so much that I ERRONEOUSLY was not straightforward with all of the woes life brings. It’s like… I wanted to protect him like one of my eight children.

BECAUSE this was so much a part of my life in the past before Dan MIXED WITH the cognitive / cerebral transitions, I took this “Protection Mode” regarding him BEYOND what should be. More and more I am believing that “Protection Mode” should not exist so much amongst life partners.

My point in this post is to communicate one of the errors in my ways along with provide insight into how others may also have learned to cope and survive.

Please, if you are with your Soul Mate and he / she is good to you, this way of living should not be a part of how you operate. IF YOU DO NEED THIS to survive, please consider how unhealthy your life is and seek a way to create a new pay.

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Apathy and Risky Behavior after a TBI

When I returned home after the TBI, I had a list of “Thou Shalt Not’s.” Being I am a mother of eight children whom I homeschooled and have been a stay-at-home mom while holding a career in a studio close to my residence being told what I could not do was quite a hurdle. Not hold more than eight pounds? Not bend my back… sounds easy; however, I have always been very independent to the point of delivering my last two children at home on purpose.

Facing all the rules of what I was not supposed to do decreased motivation and zeal. What’s the point? Why am I even here? After all, look at all the things I am told not to do! Due to all these new rules, apathy grew. I followed the rules mostly; however, I have had an adventurous rebel dare me to be imprudent. Why do I even matter?

My point of this post is to relay how apathy and risky behavior can be coincided, especially if the survivor is independent and not the type who asks for help. Furthermore, I am sure with many TBI survivors, Alzheimer’s patients and autistic individuals, awareness is lowered.Furthermore, disinhibition is often a side effect of brain injuries and other pathologies that affect cognition.

It has taken me about eighteen months TO BEGIN to be more aware of all of the changes within me and how adventurous I would love to be. Part of it is a lifelong enjoyment of testing physical boundaries, and there has been a growth of this daredevil inclination. Being I have a husband and eight children, I veer away from this side of me largely; however, in the background it still screams.

“The Wanderer” Changed to “The Whirlwind” Lyrics

I’m the kind of gal who whirls all around.
Wherever there is havoc, I surely can be found.
I kick and I scream. I don’t know any names.
I fuss and fight, and I put you ALL to blame.
Cuz I’m the Whirlwind, Yes I’m the Whirlwind.
I whirl around around around around.

 

Oh well, there’s a mess to the left
And a wreck on the right.
If you get near me, I’ll put you afright.
And if you come to me and tell me you’re blessed
I’m sure you’ll want me placed under an arrest

 

Oh well I roam from town to town
I go through life without a care
I’m always happy as a clown
With my wind tunnel, I’m always going everywhere.

 

I’m the kind of gal who whirls all around.
Wherever there is havoc, I surely can be found.
I kick and I scream. I don’t know any names.
I fuss and fight, and I put you ALL to blame.
Cuz I’m the Whirlwind, Yes I’m the Whirlwind.
I whirl around around around around.

 

Written on February 24, 2016